Feeling Guilty...

Devry and I were packing tonight, getting ready to go to Boise for a doctors appointment and stuff for payton. We took the dogs out for an hour or so to play with them before going to bed. Like usual, Daisy immediately found her tennis ball and wanted to play fetch. She was a little slow and had to stop to catch her breath a few times, but we just figured she was getting more and more pregnant and just didn't have the same energy. No big deal. They came inside for another hour or so, ate, then kept wanting to go back outside. So we let them out to their pen. We were about to go to bed when we heard Dash barking like crazy. Devry went out to check on them, and Daisy had gone in the shed and had 3 puppies! We were so suprised! We didn't think she was due for another 3 or 4 weeks! Plus..last time she had puppies she wouldn't play or eat for HOURS before she had them. We ran them all inside, under a heater, and they were just fine. Then Daisy had one more (making 2 boys and 2 girls). We decided to go to sleep and check on her in a few hours. We had just got into bed when Devry thought that maybe he should go check to make sure one hadn't crawled under something in the shed. He went out, and to our horror he found a poor little puppy...out in the snow, way away from the shed. It must have been the first one she had...and then went in the shed to have the other three. It had been out there for way to long and had died. I am feeling unbelievably guilty! First that she wasn't inside in the first place, second that we didn't realize she was in labor (I mean I'm a Labor nurse for goodness sakes!), and third that we didn't look better when we first went out to get them. When we decided to breed them, I knew there was a good chance she would loose a puppy or two....and I would be ok with that, if it hadn't of died because of me! It just never even dawned on us that she had one before going into the shed, especially because it was less then an hour from the time we let her out to when we realized she had 3 puppies...I mean 3 puppies in an hour was crazy...so we never figured there was another one. It was so different with this litter! The last time, she spent about 2 hours gathering things (blankets, toys etc) and making a "bed" to have the puppies in. This time she didn't do any of that! I can't figure out why she didn't pick up the puppy and bring him into the shed. I don't know. I keep going through it in my mind wondering how I could have changed the outcome. I didn't think I would cry my eyes out like this over a puppy! At least she had them tonight instead of tomorrow night,when we would be in Boise and noone would be here. If that had've happened we most likely would have lost all of them.

So of course now I am wide awake, feeling very guilty, and we are leaving for Boise in 5 hours, for another emotional roller coaster. I havn't told very many people much about this, but Payton will be having surgery on Friday. Its really a very minor surgery and nothing of big concern, but still....he has to be under anesthetic, and I wont be with him, and that scares me. I know everything will be just fine.....but it doesnt change that I'm very nervous.

I guess I am just getting all of my emotional rollercoasters over with in a matter of a few days. Hopefully when we get back from Boise, and I know Payton is fine, I can be a bit more excited about having puppies again. For now, I am having a hard time looking at the 4 and not crying about the fifth one that should be with them.