Thoughts

I decided I wanted to be a nurse when I was in highschool.
Initially I wanted to be a doctor, but realized that I didn't want to put off having a family for years while doing med school, and knew I couldn't be a mom while in school for years and years.
So I chose nursing.
I finished my associates in nursing in 2008, and my Bachelors in 2010.
I love it! Mostly because I love working in labor and delivery.
I always wanted to work. The thought of being a stay at home mom seemed so...boring?
I nannied for a family of 10 kids in 2005-2006. That was definitely NOT boring. That was my first experience where the thought of NOT working crossed my mind. But of COURSE the only way I could do that was if I had 10 kids..or maybe 8. And I never wanted that many, so of course I would work. I mean why would I give up my career and be a boring stay at home mom?
But....
Recently a good friend of mine was able to stop working and stay at home. (click here to see her blog) Her husband got a great job offer and her income was no longer necessary. As she has finished her last few shifts, I have found myself feeling...jealous.
And I read my cousin's blog. (Click here to read it). She stays at home with her boys, and is SUCH and AMAZING mom! I am always in awe of how many fun things she does with her boys. And how devoted she is to teaching them.
Then this past week has happened.
I will compare it to the week before.
2 weeks ago, I worked monday, wednesday and thursday nights. So monday I napped, tuesday I dozed alot of the day, wednesday I napped, thursday I slept till 12, then from 2-3, and friday I slept till 11. The times I was awake, I was cranky, tired, had NO energy and NO patience. I tolerated Payton, and got mad at him for throwing things at me while I was trying to sleep. I could not WAIT for nap time, and let him watch whatever he wanted while I tried to doze. He was fussy, whiny, and angry. I was a monster mom. My house was a mess, I never made dinner, and barely remembered to make Payton lunch. I would make things for lunch that he could feed himself and use it as an opportunity to sleep for 20 minutes while he ate. I didn't work out because I was way too tired.
I haven't worked since Thursday.
Saturday I felt rested. I had a great day! I spent time with Devry, played with Payton, went for a run, cooked lunch and dinner, cleaned the house, and accomplished tons!
Monday, tuesday and today have all been similar. I have worked out every day (which makes me feel better, and have better days). Payton comes with me when I go to Zumba in the morning since they have childcare there. He has fun while I work out. We come home, and play! We read books, play cars, blocks and basketball. We color and draw. We dance. He helps me make lunch. We eat together. Then he takes his nap. And I clean, or cook, or do projects around the house. I feel so productive. He wakes up and we play some more. The TV hasn't been on at all at all! Then he helps me get dinner ready and we eat when Devry gets home. In the evenings, I have been running (I am training for a 1/2 marathon...I will post about it soon) while Payton and Devry have some father son play time. Then Devry and I put Payton to bed together. We tidy the house, play with the dogs, and spend time together. And we go to bed at a decent time (usually I can't sleep till 1 or 2 am after I have worked since my body is used to being awake).
The biggest change I see is in Payton. The past 5 days he has been so happy and pleasant. He gets so excited when I play with him. He rarely whines or cries. He is a different kid.
And of course he is, because I am actually a mom.
I am happier. And Busy! Being home is not boring...even with just 1 kid!!
I have to work tonight, then all weekend. And I am dreading it.
I have always told myself that working nights is so perfect since I can be home with Payton during the day. But really I am not mentally with him.
So.... for the first time in my life...I want to be a stay at home mom.
But I cant.
Financially we absolutely cannot afford for me to stay home.
I carry our health insurance, our dental insurance, everything. And we need it.
Devry is in school for another 2 weeks, but even when he graduates his current job doesn't pay near enough to pay the bills. Even if we cut back tons.
So for now, I will keep working. Maybe cut back this summer to 2 nights a week instead of 3? maybe.
I want to do a master's program in nursing, and plan on it. But I would love love LOVE to be at home for a few years, working 2-4 nights a month, and do school then. Devry is job hunting now. We are hoping and praying that he finds something. We have been looking around here, but there is NOTHING. So we have broadened the search, and applied in other states. We are going to put our house up for sale next month, and hope that it sells so we have more options.
Hopefully we will find something :)

4 Years

On March 16th Devry and I celebrated our 4th Anniversary.
Unfortunately I was working, so we didn't really get to see each other,
but we are celebrating this weekend!
Devry and I had dinner on Wednesday right before I went to work.
Then he came to see me at work and brought a rose and dessert. He is so thoughtful!
Last night I planned a fun stay home date since Payton has a cold. We put him to bed at 7 and I got to work on a really fun Fondue date. It was a suprise for Devry, and he Loved it! I had pineapple, apples, strawberries, cheesecake, pretzels, marshmellows, cookies, donut holes, and angel food cake. And of course the chocolate. I also made fruit dip. It was really fun to plan, and delicious! We had a lot of fun and it was nice to do something other then watch a movie (our typical stay home date).

All set up!

We have had a wonderful 4 years together.
We have really experienced so much together in such a short time.
Dating, marriage, nursing school, automotive tech school, nursing boards, getting a job on L&D, buying a house, getting 2 dogs, having Payton, working on Bachelor's degrees, trips to Nova Scotia, Vegas, Utah, Boise, and Victoria, graduation, and many more things!

I love Devry so much!
He really is an amazing husband, who cares so much about me.
He works so hard to do things for me. He is always so kind and thoughtful.
He makes me smile and laugh...alot!
He impresses me all the time with how amazing of a father he is.
He listens to me so well. And knows how to make me feel better.
He puts up with me being tired and cranky after work.
I still get excited to see him.
He still gives me butterflies.
I am so lucky to have him.
I love him more then I can even say.

Here's to 4 amazing years. And to an eternity more.

Babies

I have had a few crazy shifts at work lately. I recently began "charging" and unfortunately every charge shift I have had has turned somehow crazy. I leave work in the morning thinking that I never want to charge again.

I really do love my job. It is such a wonderful experience to be involved in the birth of a new baby over and over again. To help a mom through the most exhausting, and often traumatic experience and watch her instantly change as that sweet baby is placed in her arms. To see such love in her eyes, and almost forget all the pain she just went through. To see her eyes fill with tears, not because of what she just went through, but because she is holding a new baby in her arms...her new baby. Sometimes I get caught up with my job, and all the things I have to do, and forget exactly how amazing it is. My friend Sadie, who I work with recently wrote a post about how truly amazing it is. To read her post and check out her "Simply Delicious" blog click here.

Rexburg is such a unique place to work as a labor and delivery nurse. The population in Rexburg is something like 95% Mormon (click here to learn more about Mormons). As many people know, Mormons tend to have lots of children, and very early in life. This means that Rexburg does TONS of delivery's with most of them being first time mom's. It is also wonderful because our population is fairly low risk (there are very few people who drink, smoke, do drugs, have STD's, or any other lifestyle risk factors). The amount of people having babies gives me a lot of job security. It has also been a bit of a frustrating thing for me lately. There is a bit of an expectation that people have kids early, and that they have many, fairly close together.

Payton is 19 months old. In "Mormon" time that means I should be pregnant with my next. In church 2 sunday's ago I had 4 people ask me "isn't it about time for another one?" I also hear the same thing at work, from friends, even from complete strangers. I am typically a pretty private person, and don't share very personal things with just anyone, but I am getting so tired of this question that I have decided to vent a bit about it. First of all, why is it everyone else's business when we have kids? What if I wanted my kids 5 years apart? When I found out I was pregnant with Payton, it was a surprise. We did not expect it, but were so excited! We always had the plan of having our children 2 years apart, so a bit before Payton turned one we started talking about when we wanted another one. We were shocked when I wasn't pregnant after 3 months...then 6...then 9, 10, 11? What was the problem? After talking to the doctor about it a couple weeks ago, she did some labs. It turns out I have PCOS or Polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is the leading cause of infertility. The bad thing is that they don't really know why someone gets PCOS, and there is no quick fix for it.
So my frustration is that people have no idea what may be going on with someone. Sometimes when people ask me when I am having another one, I feel like I need to explain, like I am doing things wrong because my kids aren't going to be 2 years apart. And of course it is always people who have 5 or 6 kids, all 18 months to 2 years apart and apparently have had no issues having them. It's like a reminder that I am not pregnant when I wish I was.
Of course I want another baby. I really want 3 or 4 more. I love being a mom, and am ready for that wonderful experience of having a new baby placed into my arms.
To kiss brand new chubby cheeks.
And tickle brand new toes.
And teach Payton how to be a big brother. He is SO fascinated with babies right now, and I just wish it could be his new brother or sister that he could be fascinated with.
Doctor's in Rexburg are very conservative with treatments for infertility. They will run a lab or two, try a low dose medication then see what happens for 3 or 4 months. Then maybe increase the dose of medication a bit and wait another 3 or 4 months. All the while, insurance will not cover a cent of labs, tests, medications, office visits, ANY treatments. So I am debating whether to stay with my Doctor, or switch to a fertility specialist in Idaho Falls ( 30 mins away), and get things going a lot quicker.
I know people who have tried for years and years, or that are never able to have kids, and it makes me so grateful that I have Payton. It also gives me so much sympathy for them. This emotional roller coaster I have had for the past year has been exhausting, and I can't imagine doing it for years and years. I hope I don't have to.

Laughs

Payton makes us laugh. A lot. Today, when I was struggling with the remnants of a cold and migraine, and lack of sleep from working the last 2 nights, I was being zombie mom on the couch while Payton ran around playing (aka destroying). Luckily, we have discovered a lifesaving character.
This is Thomas the tank engine, and he is Payton's new OBSESSION. He has a toy Thomas (that I bought to put on his birthday cake when he turned one). That little train is by far his favorite thing. He carries it everywhere with him and imitates the "choo choo" noise that it makes. He is talking tons and repeats just about everything we say, except train. We have never called a train a "choo choo," but he does, and he will not call it anything else, silly guy. So after we realized how much he liked the little train, we started looking for more Thomas stuff. It is expensive, so we really haven't bought much, but we did find a pair of PJ's and a T shirt at Ross for cheap. He wants to wear the shirt EVERY DAY, and the PJ's EVERY NIGHT (the problem is that they are already too small). If he isn't wearing them, he is carrying them around with him asking to wear them. Next we found a DVD that was cheap. And from the minute he wakes up in the morning he asks to watch "choo choo." We got so sick of that DVD, but he wouldn't watch anything else. Luckily we decided to get Netflix and now have dozens of shows to choose from. We are on the hunt for another Thomas shirt that fits him (hopefully cheap from Ross again).
Thomas saves me after I work. I can be a zombie on the couch for an hour here and there with him entertained by Thomas (and only occasionally throwing Thomas at my head to make sure I am paying attention). I know, I am a horrible mom. Don't judge, trust me, I do it by necessity not choice.
The other day I had dozed off while he was playing on the floor next to me. I woke up when two cans of tuna hit my head. Apparently the pantry wasn't closed tightly.
Today I was worn out. And by worn out I mean physically, emotionally, mentally DRAINED. I was laying on the couch and my sweet boy, who had just gotten my attention by wacking me in the head says "hi mom, hat hat hat!" and he grabs a baseball hat and excitedly puts it on his head backwards. And he wore it the rest of the day, reminding me that it was a "hat" every 5 minutes.
Here he is eating lunch with his hat.

Like I said he is doing so many funny things lately. I just want to keep all the little things recorded.
He has learned tons of animal noises. Here is a typical conversation
me: "payton, what does a cow say?
Payton" "moooooooooooooooooooooooo"
"What does a sheep say?"
"baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
"what does a chicken say?"
"cluck cluck"
"What does a frog say?"
"ibbit ibbit"
"What does a duck say?"
"quack quack"
"what does a horse say?"
"Horse."
(He does know nayyyyy....but seems to like saying the word horse more)

He is also learning his letters.. He has some wonderful foam blocks that have letters on them. I hold them up and he says (or guesses) which letter it is. Then I tell him the correct answer and he repeats it. He recognizes some letters great, like O, A, L, M, D, P, B, C, R and S. And EVERY other letter that he doesn't know is automatically "S." As soon as I show him the S, no other letter exists.

And then there is "daddy time." I go to work at 5:30 ish, and from then until 7:30 (bedtime) is playtime with Daddy. While I was at work 2 nights ago, Devry decided to let Payton run around in his diaper. Well, next thing he knew, the diaper was on the floor and Payton was streaking down the hall way, SO proud of himself. By the time Devry caught him, he was in his bedroom, peeing in the corner. Luckily he still can't get pants off yet...but I am sure that will come soon.

This little guy is a hoot. We are constantly laughing at him. There are tons more stories I could share, but it is my bedtime.