15 months!

My sweet baby boy has turned into a very busy toddler! Where does the time go?
As of the 27th, Payton is 15 months old. At 15 months he...

• is about 28lbs
• is about 32 inches
• is in size 24 month clothes
• says: mom, dad, more, ni-ni (night night), bye bye, hi, pa (grandpa), nan (nanny), bubba (thedog), ju (juice), and a WHOLE lot of jibberish :)
• signs at least 50 words- some are: more, please, thank you, all done, juice, eat, banana, apple, pear, car, plane, bus, boat, dog, cat, horse, bird, fish, blanket, phone, toys, music, wash hands, bath, brush teeth, happy, play, feel, sad, cry, hurt, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, baby, and tons more! He shows us new ones he has learned every day.
  
• dances whenever he hears music.
• Acts like he is Conducting music whenever he hears people singing
• has the most contagious laugh
• is so ticklish...everywhere!
• Loves to tickle other peoples toes and tummy's
• runs...at all times. walking does not exist in his world.
• Climbs on everything. I find him standing on the table at least once a day
• Still takes 2 naps and sleeps 12 hours at night.
  
• LOVES to play outside
• Loves to play with other kids
• Loves to watch curious george, signing time, and cat in the hat
• Still loves his pacifier....although he ONLY gets it when he is in his crib. Our next step is to take it away for good... that could be a hard one.
• Will not drink milk out of anything but a bottle. I have not been successful in my attempts to take away his bottle, and I'm not sure how.
  
• gives me hugs and kisses all the time...and it melts my heart.
• laughs whenever he hears someone else laughing.
• has become a bit of a picky eater.. he loves fruit and bread, a few veggies, and mac n cheese but thats about it (besides sugary foods).
  
• loves going with Devry to ride a tractor, 4wheeler, truck, anything.
• makes me smile, alot.

I adore him so much. We went to a trunk or treat tonight for Halloween, and had a blast! Here are a few pictures of my little monkey man. I will post more about Halloween later.

The first two are him in his monkey costume, and the third is when he helped us carve a pumpkin.

Fall

Fall has officially arrived! Payton and I have been having lots of fun playing outside in the leaves. Here are some pictures of Payton playing outside, eating apples, and getting tackled by puppies. He really misses the puppies, he looks for them everytime we go outside. Its really cute, he walks around the yard barking, and signing "dog" and after a few minutes of not finding them, he looks at me and puts his hands up like he's saying "where'd they go?"





Devry is finished with potato harvest, and I am enjoying seeing him again.

Attitude..

I am not sure exactly what to say in this post, or why I am writing it. I just feel like I need to. It will probably seem unorganized and random. I will probably sound whiny, and ungrateful. That is not my intention. I just have so much on my mind, and need to vent.
I have really been struggling with my attitude lately. I am a generally happy, positive person. Lately I have felt so negative. I don't WANT to have such a bad attitude, but I am not sure how to change it. I try every morning to tell myself that it is going to be a great day. I try to constantly remind myself of all the wonderful blessings I have in my life. I try to look at the good things. I try to do service for others. I try to be kind and thoughtful. But somehow, most days have ended with me feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, mad, dissapointed, sad, or all of the above. And almost every day ends in tears.
I am extremely homesick. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the ocean, trees, lakes, rivers. I reallly miss my mom.
We took a trip home in August. It was a much needed trip. I thought it would help ease my homesickness. But it didn't. It made it way worse. When I was there, I dreaded leaving, and now all I want to do is go back.
I have lived in Idaho for 4 years now. I didn't like it when I moved here, but I thought it would grow on me. I am still waiting for that to happen. I have tried to fake it, hoping that eventually I would just love it. I finally talked with Devry and explained that I am so sick of pretending. A huge part of my feelings are because of a lack of close friends, and I am lonely.
At every "stage" in my life, I have had wonderful girlfriends. You know, those kind of friends you can rely on no matter what, who will always be there for you. Who you can trust, and talk to about anything. Except for now. Of course I have Devry. He is my best friend. And he is all of those things.....except he is a boy. He doesn't want to have "girl talks" with me. Or do "girl" things, plus he is gone all day everyday. I had some great friends as roommates, and then some really good friends in nursing school. But they have all moved away. Since nursing school I haven't had that. I thought that between work and church I would have tons of great friends. I do have lots of "acquaintances" or "ok" friends, but none that I would consider "great" friends. I get along with most people just fine...but nobody I completely trust and can rely on. Actually its the opposite. I have had such a hard time finding many people I trust here. I don't know what it is about Rexburg, but I find alot of people very mean. Gossipy, and just mean. when I hear someone talk bad about another person who is supposed to be a friend really makes me hesitate to trust that person. And it happens alot. I feel like so many people are fake, and add my own insecurities, I don't want friends like that. I have sister in laws who I am close to, who I trust and I can't discount that. They are GREAT. I probably sound like an immature 13 year old girl.....I know, but friends are very important to me...especially when my own family isn't close. I am so social, and I feel like I need friends. I want to have friends with kids Paytons age, and have fun playdates and outings. I want to have a "girls night" once in a while. I feel lonely.
I am overwhelmed with things in my life right now. Payton is at a very difficult age for me. I love him more then anything, but he tests my patience daily...no hourly. He messes up my house while I am cleaning...I feel like my house is in a constant stage of messy and disorganized. He cries, whines, and screams a lot. He has started hitting, and I don't know what to do to get him to stop. I try time out...I try taking away things....I try explaining it to him. He doesn't understand and turns around and hits me. He is in a very big "daddy" phase, where all he wants is Devry...not me. I love that he loves Devry so much, but it makes it so challenging to deal with a fussy little boy all day while he constantly asks for his daddy....then watch him become so happy in the evenings once Devry gets home. Why can't I have more of the happy mood? I feel like I am doing something terribly wrong and that is why he doesn't care if I am around or not, but really cares if devry is.
I feel behind. On my house, on my budget, on my meal planning. I have been putting so many things aside lately to do P90X, because I am trying so hard to loose weight. And I have only lost 2 lbs, in 3 1/2 weeks of INTENSE, and EXTREMELY difficult workouts. And I know people will say that I am building muscle so I'm not going to loose lbs initially...but Its not that. I probably am building muscle. But I don't feel any better. My clothes don't fit me better. I still feel gross. I am so discouraged.
When I think about my life, I begin to feel so guilty for feeling so unhappy. I have the most wonderful husband ever, an adorable, healthy little boy, a good job, a nice house, wonderful family. But then while I sit here alone and write this post, I look around and see my house completely torn apart, I hear Payton crying in his crib because he doesn't want to go to bed without seeing Devry and I am trying to make him, I know Devry won't be home for at least another hour, I think about how I have to go to Boise tomorrow to deliver puppies alone because Devry has to work, plus add to all of it my constant state of exhaustion from working nights and not sleeping much....and I can't help but cry. I spend so much time feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, angry, lonely, and upset. Is it all just a mindset that I have to work to change? I don't know, but I just feel like I spend so much time faking it and pretending that I am completely happy, and everything in my life is great, but yet I am struggling so much on the inside.

Fun weekend!

We had such a fun weekend! Devry's brother Ted and his family came to visit for the weekend, so since almost the whole family was in town, we decided it would be a good time to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. We had tons of yummy food! The funniest part was when I first walked in, Trey, carter, and Kaden (our nephews) said together "Happy Thanksgiving, EH!" Devry's brother Dan had been practicing with them.
Here are a few pictures of Sunday. I really am horrible at remembering to take pictures. I take one or two, then set my camera down and thats all I get.

Here is Trey sitting at the table waiting to eat, wearing my Canada hat :)



Payton ready for the day with his canada Shirt on. He had the hat on, but pulled it off just as I snapped the picture.

And Carter having his turn wearing the hat :)

It was so much fun to spend the weekend with family. I havn't seen Devry much lately, since he is doing harvest, so it was good to spend some time with people. This next week is going to be very long. They are hoping to be done digging potatoes by Friday or Saturday, but it means a week of Devry leaving at 5 or 6 am, and not getting home till 9 or so, with no lunch break. It is the hardest on the days I work, because I leave for work way before he gets home, then he walks out the door when I walk in from work. We will go days without even seeing each other. This is the 5th year that we have been dating or married during harvest, and by far the hardest. The first 3 years were still very busy, but I would go visit him every day. I'd take him lunch, and just go spend time with him. Then last year Payton and I were in Nova Scotia the entire time, so it wasn't like I would have seen him if he was home. This year is hard, because I'm working a lot more, and if we go visit, we only stay for a few minutes because Payton doesn't like being confined to his stroller, but he gets into way to many things if I let him out, so he ends up getting mad really quickly. I'm thinking that once harvest is over we are going to have to dump Payton on somebody for a day, or even a day and a night so we can go do something fun together. Oh I can't wait to have my husband back!