So this post is actually a bit of a hard one for me to write.
But I want to, and need to because I want to be able to read it in the future and remember some of the things I have gone through in the last 2 years.
It may be alot more personal information about me then you want to know, but it's my blog, and I use it as my journal, so feel free to skip this post over if you would like to.
2 years ago, Devry was about to graduate from college. He was looking for a job, but there was NOTHING in Rexburg. We felt like looking else where was what we needed to do. So He started applying for jobs out of Idaho. He had several interviews, and finally was offered his job with Halliburton. He started in July of 2011. Our lives changed more then we ever expected. The very weekend he started I found out I was pregnant. A month after that we found out it was twins. Devry was gone at least 2/3 of the time, I was working full time, and pregnant with twins. We had a 2.5 year old, and my pregnancy hit me hard. I puked and puked and puked. I had migraine after migraine. I cried alot. I struggled alot. I felt like all I could do was hold it together. I tried to hide all these feelings, and often felt like I was faking it around anyone. Then the twins were born. And things seemed a little better in some ways. But it got so much harder in other ways. Having twins is hard! They really are a lot of work. My whole world was focussed on these three little boys I was responsible for.
Devry and I started feeling the stress of everything on our marriage very soon after he started working away. We were apart more then we were together. We often would go days (or weeks) without talking for more then 5 minutes here and there. He would come home, and we would be great for a few days, then start bickering and fighting. Then by the time we knew it his 6 days home was over and I was an emotional wreck because he was leaving again. I remember reaching the point that I knew we needed to be together again. The distance was killing us. I thought if we could just be together again, and see each other most days things would go back to normal.
So after the twins were old enough and we had our house sold, we moved over here. I don't know why I expected things to get better immediately, but they didn't. We have fought more in the 6 months living in wyoming then we did in the first 5 1/2 years of marriage. I didn't know why things were so bad. I mean, moving together again was supposed to fix the problem! It seemed like it only made it worse! We were always arguing about something. I started feeling horrible feelings of resentment because I was "stuck" at home with the kids 24/7. I resented the kids. I resented Devry. I feel like I shut down emotionally. I began loosing all motivation to get things done. I stopped wanting to play with my kids, and just wanted them to entertain themselves. I stopped planning and doing fun things for payton, and let him have WAY too much screen time. I didn't have the patience to deal with Payton. He was acting out, he was testing limits, and I couldn't handle it. I was all over the place emotionally, and felt so unhappy with my life. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I knew how I was feeling wasn't right. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't change it.
And then. 3 weeks ago, we were all sick. Colds, strep, flu, sinus infections, and thrush all invaded our house. Through this process, the twins thrush was passed to me through breastfeeding, and my milk supply dried up in a matter of days. I had been nursing them 3 times a day without problems. I went down to 1-2 times a day, and still didnt have enough. I had planned on nursing them for at least another month then weaning them. After battling my milk supply for a few days, I finally decided to give them bottles. Once they got bottles, getting them to nurse was a huge fight. They refused. I HATED it. I wasn't ready to stop nursing them. But I had to. I nursed them for the last time on their first birthday. I made it a year. Although it was definitely a success, and I knew I would stop soon, It was hard because it wasn't MY choice.
A week after I stopped nursing, I had a HUGE awakening. I don't know how to explain it, but all of a sudden my mind was clear. I felt like myself. And I could look back on the last 6 months and for the first time realize how bad it really had been. How bad I had been. I picked fights. I was never satisfied and always felt like Devry should do more. I thought my marriage was falling apart. I had NO patience. I had a hard time enjoying or liking being a mom. I yelled a lot. I cried a lot. I got mad a lot. It was like my emotions were out of my control. And I didn't see it. I thought it was Devry's fault. I really would blame so many things on him. Then I stopped nursing, and a switch flipped. I realized it after we had gone 4 days of Devry being home without a single itty bitty fight or argument. I started realizing how happy I felt. I laughed more, I smiled more. And I saw how patient, understanding, kind and loving Devry has been. And how much he does for me and for us. It was like for the last 6 months, and even the last 1.5 years I have focussed so much on what he needed to do better, or more of and overlooked everything he does. After thinking it through I decided to talk to Devry about it. I told him how I was feeling. He very VERY hesitantly told me how he has felt like he has had to walk on egg shells around me. Normally if he said something Like that to me I would become mad and defensive. So he hesitated to tell me how he was feeling. But I could see exactly what he was talking about. And I felt HORRIBLE for the way I had treated him, and the kids. Then over the next few days, I realized how much happier, motivated and involved I was. I played with payton again, and enjoyed every second. I was MUCH more patient with him, and could discipline him without yelling again. I felt like my patience level went WAY up. I could have a rational, normal conversation with Devry without trying to blame him for something. I felt SO good! I still feel SO good. I cannot even believe the difference in my emotions. For the first time in almost 2 years I feel like I'm my happy, positive, upbeat, motivated, fun self.
I knew pregnancy affected my emotions. I expected that. But I had NO idea how much breastfeeding was affecting them. I couldn't see it. It didn't even cross my mind. I really just thought my marriage was struggling, and that I was unhappy with my life. Until I stopped, and my hormones balanced out. I really am amazed by the difference in my thoughts, feelings, attitude and patience. Devry does too. He has told me over and over how thrilled he is to have his positive, happy wife back.
I have also become SO INCREDIBLY grateful for him. I always have known he is great. Even when things were rough between us I knew how fantastic of a husband and father he was. I just wouldn't focus on that near as much as I should have. Looking back now, I realize just how patient he has been with me. I really let everything build up, and would take it out on him. I would blame him for anything I could. I would get upset or mad over the littlest, dumbest things. I didn't appreciate him near enough. Yet he always did anything I asked. He tried in every way he possibly could to make my life easier. He always willingly does anything that needs done. There is no job that he won't do. He cleans, he does dishes, he changes diapers, he bathes babies, he gets up at night with kids, he does laundry, he fixes things, he takes out the trash, he sleeps all night on the floor in Payton's room to help him when he's throwing up, and the list could go on and on. He truly is the most incredible husband and father ever. I feel so badly that I have overlooked, under appreciated, and taken him for granted for so long.
I feel like I should have realized how breastfeeding was affecting me. I don't know that I would have stopped, simply because breastfeeding the twins for a year saved us over $5000. But maybe knowing it was having that effect, I could have dealt with it better. But I don't know. I know other women face this or similar issues while breastfeeding. I truly didn't realize I was one of them until I stopped and looked back at it. I felt so out of control. I felt like my emotions and irrational thoughts were completely justified and rational. I felt unloved, unappreciated, and just shut down. I reacted completely ridiculously to so many things. I realize now it was my emotions. Not Devry. Not the Kids. It was hormones, and emotions. But At the time, I thought it was Devry, my life and my kids.
I am so happy to feel like myself again. I feel like I got lost in the never ending role of mom and wife. I feel like I lost myself some. Now that my emotions and thoughts are much more balanced, I have begun to see how I can be a happy positive person WHILE being a mom and wife. I adore Payton again. It is hard for me to admit it, but for so long, I simply tolerated him. I fought with him constantly. Now I am adoring and loving and LIKING him again. I'm seeing so many of the cute, funny things he does. And seeing how polite, kind and caring he is. My attitude truly effects his more then anything. Seeing me happy and patient with him, makes him a better, more obedient child.
The thing is I never ever had negative or bad feelings towards the twins. Getting up with them at night never bothered me. All the time and effort and care they took never was a burden for me. I really think all my positive thoughts and energy went towards caring for them because I felt like they needed me most. And they were too young to know any different from what they were doing. I see now how much Payton does need me. As much as the twins, but in different ways. I am excited and anxious to reestablish my relationship with him. To be a better mom to him.
I know I cant change what I've gone through the last year or so. I know I can't take back the way I've treated Devry and Payton. I regret so many things about it, and feel incredibly guilty. But I know a lot of it was out of my control. I think for the most part people can choose to act or react a certain way. But. I also now know how intensely emotions and hormones effect your thoughts, and behavior. I know what it feels like to feel down, or depressed, or overwhelmed, and not know how to change it. It isn't simply a decision you make. Not when hormones and emotions are so heavily involved. Baby blues is real. Post partum depression is real. Hormonal imbalances are real. And they very VERY heavily impact the way you think and the choices you make. I now have such an increased amount of sympathy and empathy for those struggling with these issues or issues like it. It is not something you can simply choose not to have. Or choose not to let it effect you. Because it does.
It is like a ton of bricks has been lifted off me. It's like I can think clearly again. I can be happy again. And positive. And motivated. I am grateful not only that it is better now, but also that I can realize how it effected me. Things aren't perfect. Our marriage will still have its issues. I will still have hard days. But I am grateful that the bad times and struggles wont consume my life any more.
I am happy to be more myself again.
