This move has been good. We see Devry so much more! Even 2 weeks ago when he was in Casper working, we were able to go stay with him for 6 days. It's been so nice to see him!
One of the more difficult things about the move has been when people ask me "what do you do?"
I don't really know how to answer. Sometimes I simply say, "I stay home with my kids." Or "I don't work." But it bothers me to say this. It is a huge blessing to be able to be home right now (although it might be short lived....i'll explain later), but I feel like my response of "I don't work," completely discredits the tremendous amount of work and sacrifice I put into my education and experience as a nurse. Anyone who has been through nursing school knows its BRUTAL. Especially BYU-Idaho, who's program is condensed and extremely competitive. I worked my butt off, first to get into nursing school, and then going through the program. It was hard! I worked 2-3 nights a week at a nursing home while in school to avoid student loans, so the 2 years I spent to get my associates degree were incredibly stressful. Then I graduated! And got an awesome job right away! I wanted my Bachelors Degree. So I worked full time as a labor and delivery nurse, and went to school full time for 2 more years, and had Payton in the middle of it all. I worked hard at it all and maintained a really good GPA all through school. My job was a huge blessing to us. There are not many other jobs that could have provided us with such a good income after only an associates degree. It kept us out of debt for school. We both graduated with our Bachelors degrees 100% free of student loans.
I loved my job. There are not many things you can witness as miraculous as childbirth. And I got to experience it over and over. I got to help moms in one of the most life changing experiences of their lives. I got to hold brand new babies constantly. It was very difficult, sad and overwhelming at times, but completely worth it! The best part about my job was that until the last year, when I went to work, Devry was home. And I got home before he left for work. It was a perfect schedule, that made it so the only time I was away from Payton was mostly when he was asleep. I sacrificed alot of sleep to have this schedule, but it prevented us doing babysitters or daycare, so it was completely worth it!
When Devry started working in Rock Springs, we we so blessed to find Carissa to help me. She stayed with Payton on nights I worked, and was a HUGE support to us. I never worried while I worked, or felt guilty about leaving, because I knew he was having fun and being well taken care of. It got harder after having the twins though. Obviously it was much more work, and I always felt so bad leaving them overnight.
When we decided to move, we decided I wouldn't look for a job, at least not right away.
It's been a challenge though. Don't get me wrong. I love being a mom. I love being able to devote so much more to my kids. But I feel like in some ways it has caused me to have a little identity crisis. I have always been a student, a nurse, or both AND a mom. Never "JUST" a mom. Being "JUST" a mom takes a huge amount of work, patience, love, devotion, and so much more. There is no "just" about it. I can't help but feel like my education, license and hard work is being completely wasted. I'm not using it right now, at least not in the professional sense. I don't really mention it unless it comes up.
The other day I was talking with some of girls I have met here in Green River. Someone was talking about recently having a baby. And someone openly asked a question on the topic of childbirth. I kind of habitually answered her question matter of factly. I realized I got a couple of looks, like "what makes you such an expert?" So I threw in the fact that I was a labor and delivery nurse for 4 years. Instantly their faces changed to "OH! Ok, your opinion and advice is completely valid." Then once knowing this piece of information, they started asking me lots of questions. My answers to their questions was no longer just an opinion. It was an educated, valid opinion with experience and a degree behind it. I feel helpful when people know this. I Love sharing the knowledge I have gained. I really miss it. I love helping people, especially new moms.
I really do love being able to be home with my kids.
But some days. When I feel like I have exhausted my patience, cleaned up too many messes, wiped too many bums, dealt with too much screaming and tantrums, and talked to no one except a 3 year old, I miss the outlet of work. These daily, repetitious "mom" tasks are assumed, expected, overlooked and insignificant. In those "weak" moments, when all three kids are screaming, the house is a mess, Dinner needs made, and I haven't even gotten dressed and its 5pm, I have found myself becoming jealous, and even resentful of Devry. Thinking he's so lucky he can just leave and not deal with the craziness of kids. That he actually gets to have a conversation with adults! That he has no idea how hard it is to be with the kids 24/7. Of course, when the kids are happy again (or sleeping), and most of the tasks are done, reality hits and I realize he probably thinks the same things, but opposite. "How lucky she is to spend 24/7 with the kids and not have to go work endless hours at a physically demanding job."(although he is the most gracious, kind and hardworking person I know and would never ever say anything like that...but I am sure he thinks it!) I know that's definitely more accurate, but in those challenging moments when I am so overwhelmed, it's hard to think rationally.
I'm trying to adjust to this stay at home mom thing. I'm finding that when I have very little planned, I tend to have lazy, non productive days where kids are crankier, and my patience runs thinner. Days that I get up, get everyone dressed (including myself), and do something..even if its just a walk, or a planned activity, I am more organized, more efficient and productive. I feel less discouraged and depressed. So I am trying to fill my days a little more with things to do. Play groups, walks, parks etc. It will get more challenging as our activities are becoming limited by cold weather. We may be visiting the Rec center across the street many times this winter. Hopefully Payton and I will continue to make friends and find lots to do..especially when Devry is gone for his 2 weeks.
I also am realizing more now that work doubled as my outlet. It was work, but also a break from home. A break from cranky kids, messy house and never ending to do list. My coworkers were my friends, so it was a bit of a social outlet as well. I kind of hit my limit a couple weeks ago, when it hit me that I had been with the kids 24/7 for months. I felt like a horrible mom by having this huge desire to have time away from them. Then I remembered the countless mom's I taught a very important lesson to while doing discharge teaching. The best mom's take breaks from their kids. Not even the worlds greatest super mom can be a supermom 24/7. We all need outlets, breaks, and time to relax, regroup and refresh. So Devry and I had a big talk. Somehow, someway I needed some outlet time. I decided to buy a pass to the Rec center and start swimming and working out. So now, on weeks when Devry comes home in the evenings, we eat dinner, I feed and put the babies to bed at 7, and then leave. I go across the street and workout for an hour. Most of the time its swimming, sometimes is a class. Devry puts Payton to bed while I'm gone, then I come home around 8:30. It has worked great so far. The two weeks Devry leaves will be a challenge. I will probably end up going a couple times a week and just paying for their childcare. Our next task is to find a way to have an occasional date night....
We'll see though...my days of being a stay at home mom may be limited. We got the bad news that Halliburton is taking away their employee's paid weeks off. This paid week off has been wonderful. He works 2, and gets 1 off, still being paid for 40 hours of work. They are extremely slow right now, and are having to cut hours. They say it will be given back once they pick up in 6ish months..but rumor is that once they take away the paid week off, most likely you will never get it back. Some months Devry has 2 weeks off. That's where it will hurt us the most. We have a large payment for a loan we had to take out to Pay off our mortgage when we took a loss on selling the house. Paying that on top of our regular bills is tight as it is. Taking away the paid weeks off will make it so I will most likely have to get a job in January (after we take a month trip to Canada YAY!) It is stressful, because it would mean we would have to do childcare of some sort at least some of the time. We will see what happens.
Well this is my little vent session! I would love to hear any suggestions for how to stay sane while constantly being with kids. What do you do for an outlet? Does anyone feel the way I do about their education being a waste? Or feel guilty for wanting a break from their kids?
