Simplifying Motherhood.

Happy Mothers Day Weekend!

I am so blessed to have so many mothers in my life!

Mom, grandmothers, step mother, mother in law. I am beyond blessed with wonderful women who inspire me. 

I have been thinking alot about motherhood lately. 

Today I had a mom Fail.

We went to the park this morning with some friends. It was a beautiful morning, and we had some fun play and social time. It started to rain, so I hurried to get the kids into the car. Payton is very good about hopping in his seat on his own while I buckle the babies. Unfortunately today the car was parked on a bit of a slant. I was placing Kayson in his seat when I see Payton attempt to open his door. The slant of the car pulled his door shut right away. I hear him start to scream. That heart wrenching scream that brings out the protective momma bear side of me. I run to the other side of the car and see my poor helpless 3 year old with his fingers in the closed car door. He was trying to pull them out, causing more pain and screaming harder. I quickly opened the door and picked him up to comfort him. He just sobbed and sobbed. I wrapped his bleeding fingers in a tissue, and put him in his seat. I grabbed Cohen from the stroller, loaded him in his seat,  packed up the stroller, and jumped in the car to hurry home. Payton cried and cried, and all of a sudden stops crying and says "mom, Kayson is going to come get you."  I turn and see my adorable little slobbery Kayson turned around in his seat, and climbing up it towards me. oops. Forgot to buckle him in after the finger slam. I stop and buckle him quickly. We get home and I clean and bandage up Payton's fingers. Luckily they didn't get hurt too bad. Just some scrapes and cuts. Nothing broken. Nothing deep enough for stitches. Apple juice, some kisses and cuddles from mom, and an episode of Jake and the pirates did the trick. 

Motherhood is a wonderful, rewarding, exciting, fun, challenging, horrible, impossible job. 

I often spend too much time on the addictive world of social media. Facebook, instagram, blogs and pinterest are daily visits for me. Ok ok....maybe many times daily. There are always some wonderful ideas, inspiring stories, and fun new activities to try! You can find anything you want from decorating ideas, to new recipes, to ideas to help potty train. They can be extremely useful tools! I often leave the sites feeling so motivated! However. I have also found myself leaving these sites feeling inadequate. Completely and totally inadequate as a mom. As a wife. As a woman. 

I don't plan enough fun stuff for my kids. 

I don't use cloth diapers. 

I don't cook only with organic food.

I am not skinny enough.

I let my babies cry it out to learn to sleep. 

My family eats mac n cheese, chicken nuggets and other processed food. 

I don't read to my kids enough. 

My house isn't clean enough.

I have and will work most of my kids life. 

I get upset at my kids too much.

I don't have enough patience with them.

And the list goes on and on and on and on. 

My kids will probably be cancer infested, unsociable, deprived people with major lifelong attachment issues because of my parenting. 

At least this is sometimes how I feel leaving the social media world of perfect lives, perfect women, perfect moms, perfect kids, perfect houses, perfect decorating, perfect cooking...perfect everything. 

The same sites that can be motivating, inspiring and helpful can also be complete poison. 

No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws as a woman, mother, homemaker etc. 

It is sometimes hard to see from the outside looking in. Some woman may not try to portray perfection from their blog or instagram etc. They just may not write about the difficulties in their day. Just because someone is pinning fun fabulous ideas on pinterest doesn't mean they are doing them all. 

Others may be trying to hide behind a fake, perfect facade. 

This mothers day, I am trying to have more appreciation for myself. I am doing my best. I am no where near perfect. Nor do I need to be. I love my children. I would do anything for them. My world is centered around them. They know I love them. I hug and kiss them over and over again each day. I tell them I love them. I give them my attention. I try to plan fun things for them. I know I am not perfect. I know I need to continuously improve as a mom, wife, and woman. But as long as I am working on it, I can't expect anything more of myself.  

The truth is Motherhood needs to be simplified. Before the world of social media, no one sent each other pictures of their perfectly cooked dinner, or the amazing creative fun activity they did with their kids. People had their own lives, that wasn't shared with the world. I want to simplify my role as a mom, and turn the focus of motherhood back to my kids, not to how it compares to other mothers out there. 

So for mothers day this year, I am not cleaning, or cooking, or feeling guilty. I am relaxing and going out to eat with my wonderful family. I am not counting calories, or stressing about all the things that need done. I am going to have a simple, relaxing, stress free weekend. I hope you all can do the same and enjoy yourselves!

Happy Mother's Day!

Our Happenings

April was a fun, busy month!

We adjusted to Devry's new, WONDERFUL work schedule. We saw him every single day!

I'll recap our month with lots of pictures!!

We had a lot of fun, and saw a ton of smiles!!

We also had some fussy kids....

They did not enjoy being locked up while I mopped.

We enjoyed some of our favorite past times....

Bare baby bums trying to climb in the tub

Bathtime

And ate some of our favorite foods....

First Ice cream cone!

They loved it!

 We played together..

They destroyed the house.....  over and over and over and over..

Some growing boys learned to walk! 

We Enjoyed the spring weather....

.......Sometimes. 

We talked to Grandparents on the phone..

We had some clingy, sad, teething babies.

I applied for a job in Labor and Delivery at the local hospital. I was offered the job on Monday, and I will start May 20th!

 We found a house we love. And put in an offer. AND THEY ACCEPTED!!!!

Looks like we will be moving near the End of June! Hopefully everything continues to go smoothly! We LOVE this house! It's perfect for us! We were so lucky to find it! We've been looking in this ridiculously expensive market for months. Everything is old, and needs so much work, but is still so expensive! Anything nice is gone as soon as its up! I happened to go to a workout class at the Rec center, and a lady there was talking about putting her house up for sale. We got talking about it, and it sounded great. We called our realtor, and arranged to go see it that evening. It wasn't officially being listed for 3 more days, so we had a head start. We fell in love with it!! It took a couple of days to work out our financing, but we were able to put in an offer before anyone else even looked at it. They counter offered just a little higher, and we accepted! I'm mostly excited for the amazing kitchen and big family room downstairs, oh and all the storage! Devry is most excited for the additional two car garage with huge loft above it and the fenced in yard! Payton is most excited for his room and the built in twirly slide off the deck. And the twins are most excited for the built in baby gate (ok maybe thats me).... but they are excited for the swings under the deck! We can't wait to move, and get settled in our OWN house. We can't wait to be done renting, and start putting money towards our own mortgage instead of someone else's. We can't wait to be able to paint and decorate, and not worry about all the pains of renting! 

April was a wonderful month. We are hoping for some consistent nicer weather in the next few weeks. We have lots happening and lots to look forward to this summer!

Catching up......Easter 2013

Easter this year was pretty low key but lots of fun!

We went to the community Easter Egg hunt, which was great except there were so many kids it lasted a total of 1 minute. Payton got some good candy and even won us a gift card to a local restaurant! 

Payton at the community Easter Egg hunt

Then some of my friends and I planned out our own little easter egg hunt at a park. That one was lot's of fun, and not a ton of kids!

Payton at our little egg hunt at the park. With his treasure chest basket to collect his eggs.

 We had some friends over and dyed Eggs...

We made cupcakes..

Then on Easter morning we got ready and went to Church. I really spaced it and didn't take any pictures of everyone all dressed up. But their outfits were no different then every sunday, so it wasn't a big deal. I had wanted to make cute matching ties for all the boys, but I didn't get a chance. Oh well. Maybe next year. It was nice to get up and go to Church to remember the real reason we celebrate Easter before getting too wrapped up in all the commercialism behind it. 

After Church the boys (well mostly Payton) found all the eggs and presents the Easter Bunny left. 

Payton loved finding everything!

He's been really into Jake and the Neverland Pirates lately... so he got a spy glass and accessories. 

The twins enjoyed the baskets and messy 'grass' more then anything else. 

and staring at dad.

or the TV.

It was a great day! I made turkey and Ham dinner ( with lots of help from Devry), and we invited a couple families over. There were 14 people here for it!  We had another Easter egg hunt for all the kids that came. We all had a blast! I didn't get any pictures.. bummer. It was a great Easter. We missed celebrating with family, but we were happy to not have the stress of traveling. We are lucky to have made so many great friends here to celebrate with!

More Myself

So this post is actually a bit of a hard one for me to write. 

But I want to, and need to because I want to be able to read it in the future and remember some of the things I have gone through in the last 2 years. 

It may be alot more personal information about me then you want to know, but it's my blog, and I use it as my journal, so feel free to skip this post over if you would like to. 

2 years ago, Devry was about to graduate from college. He was looking for a job, but there was NOTHING in Rexburg. We felt like looking else where was what we needed to do. So He started applying for jobs out of Idaho. He had several interviews, and finally was offered his job with Halliburton. He started in July of 2011. Our lives changed more then we ever expected. The very weekend he started I found out I was pregnant. A month after that we found out it was twins. Devry was gone at least 2/3 of the time, I was working full time, and pregnant with twins. We had a 2.5 year old, and my pregnancy hit me hard. I puked and puked and puked. I had migraine after migraine. I cried alot. I struggled alot. I felt like all I could do was hold it together. I tried to hide all these feelings, and often felt like I was faking it around anyone. Then the twins were born. And things seemed a little better in some ways. But it got so much harder in other ways. Having twins is hard! They really are a lot of work. My whole world was focussed on these three little boys I was responsible for.

Devry and I started feeling the stress of everything on our marriage very soon after he started working away. We were apart more then we were together. We often would go days (or weeks) without talking for more then 5 minutes here and there. He would come home, and we would be great for a few days, then start bickering and fighting. Then by the time we knew it his 6 days home was over and I was an emotional wreck because he was leaving again. I remember reaching the point that I knew we needed to be together again. The distance was killing us. I thought if we could just be together again, and see each other most days things would go back to normal. 

So after the twins were old enough and we had our house sold, we moved over here. I don't know why I expected things to get better immediately, but they didn't. We have fought more in the 6 months living in wyoming then we did in the first 5 1/2 years of marriage. I didn't know why things were so bad. I mean, moving together again was supposed to fix the problem! It seemed like it only made it worse! We were always arguing about something.  I started feeling horrible feelings of resentment because I was "stuck" at home with the kids 24/7. I resented the kids. I resented Devry. I feel like I shut down emotionally. I began loosing all motivation to get things done. I stopped wanting to play with my kids, and just wanted them to entertain themselves. I stopped planning and doing fun things for payton, and let him have WAY too much screen time. I didn't have the patience to deal with Payton. He was acting out, he was testing limits, and I couldn't handle it. I was all over the place emotionally, and felt so unhappy with my life. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I knew how I was feeling wasn't right. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't change it. 

And then. 3 weeks ago, we were all sick. Colds, strep, flu, sinus infections, and thrush all invaded our house. Through this process, the twins thrush was passed to me through breastfeeding, and my milk supply dried up in a matter of days. I had been nursing them 3 times a day without problems. I went down to 1-2 times a day, and still didnt have enough. I had planned on nursing them for at least another month then weaning them. After battling my milk supply for a few days, I finally decided to give them bottles. Once they got bottles, getting them to nurse was a huge fight. They refused. I HATED it. I wasn't ready to stop nursing them. But I had to. I nursed them for the last time on their first birthday. I made it a year. Although it was definitely a success, and I knew I would stop soon, It was hard because it wasn't MY choice. 

A week after I stopped nursing, I had a HUGE awakening.  I don't know how to explain it, but all of a sudden my mind was clear. I felt like myself. And I could look back on the last 6 months and for the first time realize how bad it really had been. How bad I had been. I picked fights. I was never satisfied and always felt like Devry should do more. I thought my marriage was falling apart.  I had NO patience. I had a hard time enjoying or liking being a mom. I yelled a lot. I cried a lot. I got mad a lot. It was like my emotions were out of my control. And I didn't see it. I thought it was Devry's fault. I really would blame so many things on him. Then I stopped nursing, and a switch flipped. I realized it after we had gone 4 days of Devry being home without a single itty bitty fight or argument. I started realizing how happy I felt. I laughed more, I smiled more. And I saw how patient, understanding, kind and loving Devry has been. And how much he does for me and for us. It was like for the last 6 months, and even the last 1.5 years I have focussed so much on what he needed to do better, or more of and overlooked everything he does. After thinking it through I decided to talk to Devry about it. I told him how I was feeling. He very VERY hesitantly told me how he has felt like he has had to walk on egg shells around me. Normally if he said something Like that to me I would become mad and defensive. So he hesitated to tell me how he was feeling. But I could see exactly what he was talking about. And I felt HORRIBLE for the way I had treated him, and the kids. Then over the next few days, I realized how much happier, motivated and involved I was. I played with payton again, and enjoyed every second. I was MUCH more patient with him, and could discipline him without yelling again. I felt like my patience level went WAY up. I could have a rational, normal conversation with Devry without trying to blame him for something. I felt SO good! I still feel SO good. I cannot even believe the difference in my emotions. For the first time in almost 2 years I feel like I'm my happy, positive, upbeat, motivated, fun self. 

I knew pregnancy affected my emotions. I expected that. But I had NO idea how much breastfeeding was affecting them. I couldn't see it. It didn't even cross my mind. I really just thought my marriage was struggling, and that I was unhappy with my life. Until I stopped, and my hormones balanced out. I really am amazed by the difference in my thoughts, feelings, attitude and patience. Devry does too. He has told me over and over how thrilled he is to have his positive, happy wife back. 

I have also become SO INCREDIBLY grateful for him. I always have known he is great. Even when things were rough between us I knew how fantastic of a husband and father he was. I just wouldn't focus on that near as much as I should have. Looking back now, I realize just how patient he has been with me. I really let everything build up, and would take it out on him. I would blame him for anything I could. I would get upset or mad over the littlest, dumbest things. I didn't appreciate him near enough. Yet he always did anything I asked. He tried in every way he possibly could to make my life easier. He always willingly does anything that needs done. There is no job that he won't do. He cleans, he does dishes, he changes diapers, he bathes babies, he gets up at night with kids, he does laundry, he fixes things, he takes out the trash, he sleeps all night on the floor in Payton's room to help him when he's throwing up, and the list could go on and on. He truly is the most incredible husband and father ever. I feel so badly that I have overlooked, under appreciated, and taken him for granted for so long. 

I feel like I should have realized how breastfeeding was affecting me. I don't know that I would have stopped, simply because breastfeeding the twins for a year saved us over $5000. But maybe knowing it was having that effect, I could have dealt with it better. But I don't know. I know other women face this or similar issues while breastfeeding. I truly didn't realize I was one of them until I stopped and looked back at it. I felt so out of control. I felt like my emotions and irrational thoughts were completely justified and rational. I felt unloved, unappreciated, and just shut down. I reacted completely ridiculously to so many things. I realize now it was my emotions. Not Devry. Not the Kids. It was hormones, and emotions. But At the time, I thought it was Devry, my life and my kids. 

I am so happy to feel like myself again. I feel like I got lost in the never ending role of mom and wife. I feel like I lost myself some. Now that my emotions and thoughts are much more balanced, I have begun to see how I can be a happy positive person WHILE being a mom and wife. I adore Payton again. It is hard for me to admit it, but for so long, I simply tolerated him. I fought with him constantly. Now I am adoring and loving and LIKING him again. I'm seeing so many of the cute, funny things he does. And seeing how polite, kind and caring he is. My attitude truly effects his more then anything. Seeing me happy and patient with him, makes him a better, more obedient child. 

The thing is I never ever had negative or bad feelings towards the twins. Getting up with them at night never bothered me. All the time and effort and care they took never was a burden for me. I really think all my positive thoughts and energy went towards caring for them because I felt like they needed me most. And they were too young to know any different from what they were doing.  I see now how much Payton does need me. As much as the twins, but in different ways. I am excited and anxious to reestablish my relationship with him. To be a better mom to him. 

I know I cant change what I've gone through the last year or so. I know I can't take back the way I've treated Devry and Payton. I regret so many things about it, and feel incredibly guilty. But I know a lot of it was out of my control. I think for the most part people can choose to act or react a certain way. But. I also now know how intensely emotions and hormones effect your thoughts, and behavior. I know what it feels like to feel down, or depressed, or overwhelmed, and not know how to change it. It isn't simply a decision you make. Not when hormones and emotions are so heavily involved. Baby blues is real. Post partum depression is real. Hormonal imbalances are real. And they very VERY heavily impact the way you think and the choices you make. I now have such an increased amount of sympathy and empathy for those struggling with these issues or issues like it. It is not something you can simply choose not to have. Or choose not to let it effect you. Because it does. 

It is like a ton of bricks has been lifted off me. It's like I can think clearly again. I can be happy again. And positive. And motivated. I am grateful not only that it is better now, but also that I can realize how it effected me. Things aren't perfect. Our marriage will still have its issues. I will still have hard days. But I am grateful that the bad times and struggles wont consume my life any more. 

I am happy to be more myself again. 

One years old!

On the 18th, my adorable boys turned ONE YEARS OLD!

I absolutely cannot believe how fast this past year has gone! I mean I JUST had them right?!

We had a great time for their birthday. 

Devry had to work, but after dinner we ate the cake I made for them, and they opened presents. Well...Payton opened their presents with Cohen and Kayson assisting. 

They devoured their cupcakes... especially Kayson

The day after their birthday I took the boys to a play group I've been going to. I brought cupcakes and ice cream to share (my lazy way of not organizing a birthday party)

It was a ton of fun!

Here are some pictures of them eating their cake..

Now onto the fun pictures.... My friend Suzy took the boys one year old pictures for me! She is so incredibly talented, and I LOVE her work. We had a blast doing the photoshoot... as you can see by the pictures.. There are lots, so enjoy!

Payton was incredibly uncooperative for the pictures...so this is really the only good shot of him. Couldn't get any of all three boys looking and smiling at the camera

It was so much fun! 

At one year...

Cohen is our little goofball. He always has a cheesy grin on his face, or some other funny face. He giggles constantly, and knows exactly how to make us laugh. He has such a little sense of humor! He thinks its so funny to lay his head down on Devry or me, then pop back up and start giggling. He fakes us out by making us think he wants to cuddle, but its just a little game to him. 

He LOVES being social. If someone is talking to him, then stops, he starts hollering at them. He is always babbling and "talking." He does say "mama" "dada" and a large variety of oohs and ahhs, bubbas, and gagas.. He is always using his voice. 

He is such a HAPPY baby. If he is hungry or overtired or hurt he fusses, but other then that he has a smile on his face. He is waving goodbye, and it is ADORABLE. He uses just his fingers, and gets a HUGE grin on his face. 

He is crawling, standing and cruising everywhere. He cruises from room to room, opening and emptying anything he can find. He loves to make a mess! His favorite game is to empty any drawer, basket, toybox, etc he can find. He will not play with a single toy, but empty the entire thing. He stands on his own, but hasn't taken any steps yet. His balance is getting better every day so its only a matter of time. Im in no rush for these two to walk! 

Cohen is still bigger then Kayson, and the gap is not getting any smaller. He weighed in at his 1 year check up today at 20 lbs (25th%), and 28.5" (10th%). He loves to eat, and eats pretty much anything we give him. On the rare occasion he doesn't like something, it is not allowed on his tray, and goes on the floor immediately. He still only has two bottom teeth. I always think he is getting more, but they never come through! 

Kayson is still our little guy! He is standing better then Cohen, and even taking steps, but it looks SO weird since he is about the size of a 6 month old! He weighed 17lbs  (3rd%) and was 28' (10th%). He is long and skinny, but seems SO small, and feels so much lighter then Cohen. It shocks me he hasn't gained more, since he is also a bottomless pit! He didn't eat so great starting out, but we realized he just didn't like being fed, and only wanted to feed himself. I'm sure he will catch up eventually...its still so weird having such a small baby, when Payton was a MONSTER!

Kayson is such a happy little guy. He is always smiling and laughing. He has the cutest little cheesy grin, he gives to anyone who smiles at him. He loves to clap his hands, dance and gets SO excited when he hears music. He loves to make noise too! He is always giving high fives, banging on chairs, or finding things that make loud noises.

He has some funny habits that makes us laugh. He knows it too! Changing his diaper is very challenging. He loves to "Help" while your trying to wipe him. Then when we try to fasten it, he scoots up as fast as he can, just laughing his head off. It takes two people to change this kid! He also gets SO excited to get out of his carseat he twists his body when we are trying to undo the straps. Sometimes its helpful but alot of the time he just gets tangled in the straps. Again, he laughs and laughs. 

He loves to climb the stairs. As soon as the gate is down he books it for them. He absolutely loves Payton, and lights up every time he sees him!

The boys are so different. Everything from their looks, to their habits, to their personalities. They are interacting with each other more and more. They play with each other now, and even have started making each other laugh. They will tackle each other, and steal each others toys or pacifiers. They are loving playing with Payton as well. Its fun seeing them old enough to play alot. It is especially fun to peak in on them while they are playing in their cribs. They swap toys, pacifiers, and stand and babble to each other. It melts my heart!! They still do things like that all the time. Hold hands in their carseats, give each other slobbery kisses, babble and laugh at each other!

They are very quickly growing out of their baby stage, and I am not liking it at all! Cuddles from them are getting less and less. They are getting more and more independent! Both still are little momma's boys, especially Cohen, but i'm feeling like its getting less and less, and that makes me sad! They are growing so fast, and changing every single day! I stopped nursing them a week ago. It was hard. I knew I would be weaning them in the next few months, but both boys got Thrush, and gave it to me, and my milk supply was GONE in a matter of a few days. I fought it for a bit, but realized it probably wouldn't come back, and figured I made it a year, so I stopped. I knew it was gonna be soon, but I would have rather stopped by choice then having to.....maybe just my weird feelings about it, but either way,  now that I am not nursing them anymore I kind of feel like they don't need me as much.

I adore these little guys so much. They are happy, pleasant, ADORABLE babies. I have worked so hard to get them on a good schedule, and they have adjusted well to it. They sleep 11-12 hours at night (usually Kayson wakes up a few times for no reason, but goes back to sleep). They take 2 naps, usually 1.5-2 hours each. They eat well, they play well. They are just happy, wonderful babies! I love having twins! I really do!

Happy First Birthday Cohen and Kayson!!